Wednesday, September 14, 2016

Throwback Dumbass

ICYMI: Blessed art thou among dumbassses like this.

Also, please look for my literary debut, Forgive Me Father, For I Have Been A DUMBASS! Should be on Amazon in a few weeks. Really proud with how it turned out.

King Dumbass, Ruler Of Oafs

“It was our office’s holiday party. I’d had a few glasses of wine, and somehow, it just happened. I kissed another woman. It’s been tearing me apart ever since. I haven’t told Caroline yet. I’m so afraid and wracked with guilt over betraying my wife. Also, this is not just because you’ve made it Goddamn public information, which I absolutely demand you take down as soon as possible.”

Adultery? That’s just kissing someone! I thought this dumbass finally had something juicy for me, and he brings me this? Terrible. If you want to hop in Father Kevin’s booth to sob about cheating on your wife, make sure you actually had an affair. I told him to say 50 rosaries for the kiss, 20 for taking the Lord’s name in vain in front of me, and an extra 100 for being a DUMBASS.

So listen up, MR. RUSSELL DAVIS, you should be honest and tell your wife, MS. CAROLINE DAVIS, about your infidelity and work it out together in private.

Officer Dumbass From The Total Clown Precinct

“Forgive me, Father. I’ve intentionally skipped the last few Sunday Masses without good reason.”

Yeah, Mass just wasn’t the same without him. I was so sad…

The whole point of Mass is to talk to all my mouth-breathing parishioners at once, so they don’t ruin my week by coming in one at a time to chat. But this imbecile feels the need to trundle in and take me away from my gardening on a Tuesday afternoon just so I can listen to this total non-sin. It’s even worse how much he thanks me after confession, like I’ve done him some huge favor. I think talking to me might be the best part of his week, and it’s by far the worst part of mine.

Pro-Tip: If you’ve got a sad little idiot life, don’t come to confession, because it really bums me out.

Part-Time Pervert, Full-Time Dumbass

“Father, I committed the sin of masturbation 16 times since my last confession.”

Look, I know this is technically a sin, but why are you rushing to tell another grown man about this shit? I was just casually browsing golf clubs on my laptop yesterday when suddenly I have to put on my collar and attend to this nitwit’s sad little mumblings about touching himself. I can only imagine how healthy and fulfilling his sex life is with his wife. And don’t even get me started on her—she’s just as much of a dumbass as he is. The last time we had a silent auction fundraiser, she brought a boombox from like 1998 as her item to sell. Oh, thank you sooo much for the $1.75 that you raised for the church.

Father Kevin’s Score: 0 out of 12 Stations of the Cross for this depraved buffoon and his bumbling wife.

A Dumbass To Remember

“I’ve taken the Lord’s name in vain on multiple occasions out of frustration and anger. It’s a bad habit, but I promise to do better.”

So this little turd walks in again and feels all bad about taking the Lord’s name in vain. Seriously? This guy has a daughter in third grade and a son in first grade. Maybe spend your time, I don’t know, raising your children instead of running to the church because you said “goddammit.”

The Father, Son, and the Holy Spirit owe me *big time* for putting up with these God-forsaken numbnuts. There must something in the water out here.

Dumbass Without A Cause

"Yes, I knew it was Lent, but I ordered a hamburger for lunch anyway."

Earlier today, some lady confessed to a hit-and-run that killed a pedestrian… then this dipshit comes in and tells me he ate some beef?

If I had a nickel for every parishioner who thought eating meat on a Friday was a bona fide affront to God, I could buy the throne from right out under Jesus in Heaven. I’ve heard every sin under the sun a thousand times over, so if you didn’t do something crazy like kill a person or blaspheme the Holy Spirit, don’t be surprised if I take a nap during your boring-ass confession, DUMBASS.